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O Arroz do Cachorro/Rice of the Dog/Le Riz du Chien/Reis des Hundes

Alegrias, tristesses, Schadenfreude, insanidades e muito spleen

O Arroz do Cachorro/Rice of the Dog/Le Riz du Chien/Reis des Hundes

Alegrias, tristesses, Schadenfreude, insanidades e muito spleen


The Flámmwàr

Don 'Toño

The following is a transcription of an ancient text, long ago lost and never recovered. Every typo and other errors are left as intended:


The Flámmwàr


Long Ago, in the second age, Men and Mer lived happily ever after. It was in this context that Satan came to the land and declared open the Third Age, so important that it got written with capital letters. Satan then changed his name to Lucifer, the Deceiver, and introduced both Men and Mer to the Internet. Subscribing to newsletters, anime and RPG fóruns, among others, Men and Mer engaged in flame wars. From the conjoining of their words and black magicks were born the infamous Flámmwàr. Bolstered with the uncountable messages that came to pass in 4chan, the Flámmwàr decided to march over all of Middle Earth and take care of business.


With great prejudice and a will for revenge, the Men and the Mer conjoined their little might (der Macht) and decided to go to war against the Flámmwàr. This effort led to the creation of a great war might (das Wehrmacht). In its wake, the war might of these two ethnicities elucidated the ways of the Grey Magicks. Those were indeed good, and helped a lot in their effort to kill the lesser races (Judentum).


Seeing this, the Flámmwàr were pleased indeed, and granted great gifts of black magicks to both Men and Mer, namely, Great Hammer Fall, The Lordship of Black Metal and the mastery of fire. With those gifts and the great help of the Flámmwàr, M&M joined their forces anew and marched east, against the peaceful kingdom o' Mordor.


Mordor was ruled at that time by a great sage, Sauron the Handsome, who started crying and prayed to the Heavens in search of ail. The gods all merciful decided to take Sauron away, and left his people to die. With the people dead, M&M rejoiced greatly and declared open the first Merethic Games. Those games were a blast, and Lucifer watched it closely, with his wide grin shown and sharp claws clean. :D 3 > =


Seeing all the success of their pitiful pupils, the Flámmwàr decided that it was time to wreck it all down, just for the LOLZ. Lucifer decided not to take part in this, as he was feeling very ill. The Flámmwàr yielded, and went down their way of black magicks towards destruction.


M&M once again rallied at the bottom of Mount Doom (Barad-DûR), and started to post terrible black magick porn on the Web's Deep. This angered the ents greatly, as they thought that M&M fucking trees was not okay. Some trees agreed, some didn't. M&M decided to burn them all anyways. Ents were sad and left in grief. There was a great party afterwards.


Seeing this, the Flámmwàr then decided to press forward towards their ultimate goal: creating a 100GBit Ethernet connection with the bodies of M&M. This was a sad day indeed. M&M started fleeing to the hills, to no avail. Their bodies were shrinked and turned to something milky, that the Flámmwàr tried to imbue with their black magicks. They failed as well.


Left alone in their corner, M&M started to solidify, and thus became a famous chocolate brand. The Flámmwàr devoured all they could, but M&M's hordes were unending. The Flámmwàr took great pleasure in knowing this.


Afterwards, as M&M's took control of most of Middle Earth except the Grey Havens, the Flámmwàr decided to retire. And thus ended the fourth age.




The Flámmwàr had a very varied appearance, and we cannot describe then, all here. But we will try it anyway.


Johnny: 2,03m. 78kg. Ugly.

Jamie: 1,55m. 2kg. Extremely handsome.

Donna: 1,89m. 267kg. Fat but hot.

Marie: unable to comply.




to be continued...


signed: Frodo Baggins & Lucifer the Almighty

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